Adult Jokes

Lots of adult jokes for you to peruse

To see the full joke, please click on the appropriate link below

Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest...

 

 

Virgin Bride
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white...

 

 

Teacher Plays Animal Game
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe...

 

 

Pete and Dave
Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great...

 

 

Circus Animal Trainer Act
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local...

 

 

Carlos calls his boss
Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

"Ey, boss I no come work today I really...

 

 

Police officers George and Mary
Police officers George and Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat....

 

 

Older lady and an Older gentleman
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman...

 

 

Spot The Dog
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman...

 

 

Going to a Halloween party
A couple are going to a Halloween party and the girls comes down the stairs wearing...

 

 

A girl about to tie the knot
A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the...

 

 

Once upon a time in China
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum and one named No cum. No...

 

 

A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt...

 

 

Little Johnny in class
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.
On this particular day, the teacher...

 

 

Two old men in a bar
Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said,...

 

 

Lulu was a prostitute
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the...

 

 

A game at bedtime
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the...

 

 

A teacher in class
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Andy, the...

 

 

2 old-maid sisters
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at...

 

 

A kid comes home from school
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom,

"Mom I've got a problem."...

 

 

Climbing the ladder of success
Joe was walking along the road when he found a ladder leading into the clouds.
...

 

 

In mourning
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her...

 

 

Gynaecological joke
A gorgeous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his...

 

 

A boy in class
A boy in class draws a penis on the blackboard, the teacher sees it and rubs it off, then...

 

 

3 things you shouldn't say in a gay bar
3 things you shouldn't say in a gay bar

1. f**k me the beers are cheap
2....

 

 

If you think your life is bad ........
If u think life is bad, imagine being an egg, you only get laid once, you only get...

 

 

Dear doctor
Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons...

 

 

Buy the lady a drink
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a
Bar in Dublin. She...

 

 

No 69
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl....

 

 

Nudist colony
An elderley` man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes...

 

 

Wife goes to school
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.

The subject...

 

 

Definitely
One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy...

 

 

Oooops!!!
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say...

 

 

How to wave a towel
A farmer married an attractive woman half his age. After several months on the farm, she...

 

 

Life support drama
Doris has been on a life support machine for nearly a year now and Bob, her husband, has...

 

 

Why condoms are sold in packets of 3, 6 or 12
A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the...

 

 

A gay man ...
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went...

 

 

Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local...

 

 

Two builders
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a...

 

 

Condom factory vacancy
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes...

 

 

Dirty I.Q. Test
Check your Dirty IQ!

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain....

 

 

A prostitute
What do you call a prostitute with a runny...

 

 

Women
Why do women have legs??

have ya seen the mess snails leave...

 

 

Fix the outhouse!
Aggie was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out. "Clar! You need to go out...

 

 

Carmen
A man was sitting at the bar when he was approached by a beautiful young woman. He...

 

 

A woman's prayer
My vibrator, which brings me heaven, Rabbit be thy name.

Till kingdom come,...

 

 

Penis poem
My nookie days are over, my pilot lite is out. what used to be my sex appeal is now my...

 

 

Dwarf
What does a dwarf get if he runs thru a womens legs?

a clit around the ear and...

 

 

Granny and Grandad
Granny and Grandad are sitting at the breakfast table. Granny says, 'Do you know that my...

 

 

Does your twat twitch
A recent study asked a group of women if their twat twitched after sex.

98%...

 

 

My m8 dave
I met my mate dave down the pub last night and asked how his week was going, Dave replied...

 

 

Blow up doll
I went to blackpool to buy a blow up doll with blond hair and big fanny when i got it...

 

 

Chapter 12 (lets do it)
A preist was driving in his car when he saw a nun getting rejected by a taxi. He pulls...

 

 

Strolling on the beach
A man was walking along the beach when he sees a blonde woman up ahead. Feeling horny he...

 

 

Cider
Little girl Crying, "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!". "Why" asked mum. "I cut my...

 

 

Jordans latest Biographical book
Jordan's just written her latest book in her series of biographical works, it...

 

 

Beavers
Why do beavers swim on their backs.

To keep their nuts...

 

 

Sex Club
A man hasn't had sex for years and he's fustrated so he tells his mate he hasn't had sex...

 

 

Circumcised Man Goes To ASDA
A circumcised man goes into asda. and puts his penis on the convyer belt and says 'try...

 

 

Man goes to Marks&Spencers
Man goes to Marks and Spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra....

Shop...

 

 

The doctor and the woman
A doctor was sick today and decided to take the day of, so a cover doctor takes his place...

 

 

Lesbian Dinosaur?
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A...

 

 

BABY OR PUPPY
A liile boy walks in on his parents having sex. the little boy says what are use doing...

 

 

Dirty poem
Mary had a little twat, a teeny weeny hole, but johnny couldnt fit it in, his massive...

 

 

Jack Daniels
A man was staggering home from the pub one night very drunk, when he stumbles over...

 

 

Dinner...
So woman comes home from work to find her husband standing there blow drying his dick......

 

 

Unibond
A man walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, 'Hi my name's bond', The girl replies,...

 

 

Fireman
He says, "I'm a fireman" .. BUT .. you're only wearing a glass jar?, says the woman ......

 

 

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
Half...

 

 

Rich and Poor Man's Wedding Anniversary
There were two people; a rich man and a poor man, and today was their wives'...

 

 

Glaswegian pub quiz
Final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow last night... "And the final question to win the....

 

 

OOh Matron!
She asked him for a double entendre.

So, he gave her....

 

 

An older couple at an art exhibition
An older couple at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely....

 

 

Paddy dies whilst making love
Paddy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and....

 

 

A spare $10 to spend on a hooker
This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.....

 

 

Two hookers standing on a street corner
Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.....

 

 

Little guy sitting inside a bar
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like....

 

 

Showing Off?
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A:....

 

 


A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of....

 

 

Problem?
A man goes to the Doctor's and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says,....

 

 

Stammer
A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man,....

 

 

Good nutrition
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.

The nutritionist....

 

 

Blue willies
Why do scotsmen have blue willies?

Because they are tight fisted....

 

 

Revenge
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there....

 

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of....

 

 

Buttered corn
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a....

 

 

Sports car
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the....

 

 

Holy Water
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They....

 

 

Like the movies?
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make....

 

 

Caring for your wife....
One day my wife wanted a manicure so I obliged her. The next day she wanted a pedicure,....

 

 

Why do....?
Why do men snore when they are on their backs?.......

Because their balls....

 

 

Viagra
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have....

 

 

Mad mary
Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped....

 

 

Confucious say
CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is f**king....

 

 

Playing cards
Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He....

 

 

Job offer
A Guy walks into the London Job Centre seeing a job offer for a gynalocical assistant. He....

 

 

Convict
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look....

 

 

Jugs
What do women measure milk....

 

 

Woman weight lifter
Woman weight lifter goes to the doctor and says, I've been taking lots of steroids and....

 

 

Chiliean minors
Me and my missus were sitting in last night. I asked if she would like to play Chilian....

 

 

What would you have?
My son got kicked out of class today!

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you....

 

 

What happens when you get marrige
Moe: My wife has to believe in religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: yeah, until i....

 

 

Nasal sex
A mate of mine asked me what nasal sex was.

I replied, "f*ck....

 

 

Violin
So one day, John's violin cords snapped. So off he went to the music store to get him....

 

 

Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had....

 

 

Soft heart hard penis
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her....

 

 

Hitchin' a ride
A hillbilly hitchhiker is looking for a ride along the highway. He stands and stands by....

 

 

Walruses
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight....

 

 

Free sausage
An Irishman is shaving his beard out the window and an Englishman is washing his penis....

 

 

Cold phone call
Suppandi: master, please come fast. your tea is getting cold.

After the guests....

 

 

Masseuse
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction....

 

 

Weather girl
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting six inches tonight.........

 

 

Chat up line
I have a new pick up line that works every time.

It doesn't matter how....

 

 

Password
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

 

 

School
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through....

 

 

Barber
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the....

 

 

Bear
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the....

 

 

Snail
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a....

 

 

One In A Million
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a....

 

 

Hooker
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a....

 

 

3 wishes
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who....

 

 

Hell
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says....

 

 

Afterlife
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will....

 

 

Cup Final
It’s game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at....

 

 

Late
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should've been here at 8.30!” He....

 

 

[MARKED AS SPAM BY A
[MARKED AS SPAM BY ANTISPAM BEE | CSS Hack]Enormement nufactured pauerir n'ese pas....

 

 

Lost Dad
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and....

 

 

Old Lady Dies
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She is chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly....

 

 

Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the....

 

 

Sharks
Two sharks (dad and son) swimming in Ocean.
Dad shark says, "Today son, I am....

 

 

Pharmacist
Older woman goes into the pharmacy.
"Yes,said the pharmacist, How can I help....

 

 

Doctors and Nurses
Lady bangs on neighbours door, guy answers it.
"Yes, what can I do for you Mrs....

 

 

The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian....

 

 

Contagious
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the....

 

 

Diet
Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I....

 

 

Ten Husbands
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

 

Drinks
A Religious man was seated next to a Scotsman on a flight from London to Port of....

 

 

Pregnant Teen
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
....

 

 

Hot Dogs
Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to....

 

 

Water Cure
Woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband's temper.
Doctor asks, "What....